Lies and Untruth

I have been a bad boy. yesh.. bad.... telling lies like it is true.

prof ask:" tell me something interesting about you so I can remember you by"
Answer:" I live alone" while it should be " I am half deaf"

Prof:" what is the worst thing about staying alone"
Answer:" Communication skills reduced" while it should be "don't dare to sleep when having high fever"

FAILURE! FAILURE!FAILURE!!!!!!!

Once again, my attempt to socialise has been dealt with a blow. One that would devastate me if it happened few years ago. Now I don feel much, just that the desire to socialise has been reduced again.

It will never work. I will never be able to socialise with people no matter how I try. Some of my most frequent reply are "har?", "huh?", "sorry?" or just a stupid looking smile. My most frequent action will be not talking and pretending to be listening. I thought that if friends know about my disability (I used to deny this, but wth), at least they will be more considerate. Well, it doesn't help that when I replied with a "har?", one of them said to me and in front of 7 other ppl "oh I'm sorry, I forgot you are deaf". I was stunned and at least another of my friend was also stunned by that "apology". It is like rubbing salt into the wound, like taking a cracked vase and smash it on the floor.

What else can I do? I say F it. Why the hell do I want to keep courting embarrassment and humiliation. I'm tired of it. Just let me be alone...

Emotionless

Someone says they find it weird that I do not seem to be nervous of worried about getting a job when everyone else are scurrying to secure a place in the work force. I was puzzled and wonder why I should be worried. Come to think of it, I am quite indifferent to a lot of things.

I don't cry on funerals, I don't laugh heartily at jokes, I am not bothered much by many things. Why did it become like this? I guess I am just afraid of getting hurt. My heart has been broken before for various reasons. I supposed I set up a self protective barrier to enable my survival.

In my family, I was always the one who was more emotional, sensitive until I came to this country. People change. Oh yes. I changed. I nearly went nuts at one point of time. I guess I took some measures after that. Hopefully, I will reduce the chances of being hurt. Hopefully.....

I am getting fat!!!

I knew it. All the good food and good life is not good for health. My health was at peak during the inhuman sessions during JC. Now, I stare at my belly and sigh. It is time to take action.

No more extra rice
Apparently exercising once per week is not enough to burn the calories and fat that I consume during my feast. I tried to exercise twice per day with disastrous results. I unknowingly pushed my body beyond limits and fell sick. So I shall stick with once per day and jogging at least twice per week.
More fruits to get those food that I ate, out of my body faster.

The battle has begun. The battle against body weight. Victory shall be mine.

Gathering of cousins

I left exam half an hour early to attend a gathering dinner with my cousins. All right, it is partly because I do not know how to do the questions.

Anyway, Two of my cousin sisters from sabah (though one of them working in Australia now and one planning to study uni in KL) came down to the red dot for visit. (I would think that they wanted to visit another cousin and his baby more than meeting me and my brothers, but lets not go down that road)

One of em was famed to be pretty. I would think she is 19 years old. and she is pretty. Even with single eyelid. Petite, quiet, big clear eyes with matching eye brows and she is the youngest in the family just like me :) . Unfortunately, my brother is much more interested in her than I am in her.
Brotherhood first, so I guess I shall continue to make myself less attractive.

Anyway, we had dinner at a japanese buffet steamboat at sunset way. It was really enjoyable with light-hearted jokes, a cute baby, gorgeous young men, pretty girl and all. A real treat that lightened me up after 2 disappointing exams.

After the n-th rounds, we decided that we have enough of the buffet. So we went out and into another shop with nice air conditioning and layout, for dessert. we chatted, and chatted and chatted, exchanging information of other relatives and giving updates of each other. It was real nice and our topic of interest were quite similar because we are all not too far off in age. We were surprised when we were given free deserts on top of those that we ordered. Alas, we were too full by now that we have to reject 4 servings of the desserts and shared instead (there were 8 of us)

In all, the whole eating took around 2 hours. And I think I am going to skip breakfast tomorrow. And a jogging session is on schedule.

wierd community

The community in my area is weird!!!

I can categorised them into two groups. One of them is active at night, the other is active in the morning.

Those active in the night will inevitably cause some noise pollution much to the ire of those who are active in the morning.

So those morning people have come together and decided that they would like to announce their existence by sounding their car alarm from as early as 6.30am. Almost every single morning.

To the other poor people who are not involved in the noise pollution, god bless them.

feeling bored?

visit
www.hahaha.com


for some laughter.

Imaginative people?

I came to the conclusion that people living in my area have superb imagination. Listed below are some of the supporting cases:

A person riding a bike with modified music player and sound system, thought that his motorbike is a performance stage, HDB blocks around him are his audiences, sound from the speaker is his, and he is performing to an appreciative audience.

Another person (or is it the same? no idea) thought that the 500m or so road linking HDB to the road is world class racing track. Why else would he race from one end to the other on his motorbike again and again?

A group of youths (am tempted to mention their race, but then again better not) thought that 2.30am is daytime and they are free to talk (shout) to each other at residential area. Or that they are in a pub and need to shout to be heard.

Before I forget, there is an even more imaginative person who thinks that multi-level car park is race track and his motorcycle is meant for racing.

Lol, are they imaginative or what?

Marriage and close relatives

Recently, two of my relatives are planning to get married. One of them at beginning of next year, the other end of next year. These should be joyous events but they are not. To me and some other relatives, they are a mismatch. A total mismatch.

Both of them are physically good looking, well educated, from good family background, good character. But their other halves are really not up to standard. I know that some say that love is everything. But one of them, ( a guy) do not even love the girl. It is another case of the girl love him then he just accepts her. Not that there is anything wrong with it if he knows what he wants. I talked to him and he said:" aiyah, now this girl still ok la, find a new one so troublesome, need to put in so much effort"

The other one is a girl, her future husband..... my family met him during chinese new year. When I set sight upon him, I was in disbelieve. He is a person without self-confidence, without good career (car sales man) going to marry a girl with Masters, father is lawyer and pretty?
The reply from her father "he is the son of god" ........

Such reasons..... for something so important... I am speechless...

Morning bad luck

Ok. It is confirmed. I have bad luck in the morning. Three mornings of bad luck in a row is too much.

First, is long wait for bus.
Then is the 8 year old girl who died at neighbouring block.

On saturday.........

I packed my things and took a bus to interchange. Going to meet my brothers and go back together.

When I got on the bus, I went to upper deck to get a sit. At that time, I was feeling happy because I am going back.

Out of no where, I felt my shoulder being tapped so I turned back. First, I saw two fingers that have some wrinkles on them and some dirt. Then my sight followed the arm to look at the face. It was a woman who is more than 50 years old, wearing a not so new t-shirt.

She was talking to me. I did not get what she is saying the first time. But it is ok, she repeated it again. Then I realised that she was speaking in Hokkien. She said something like "lio kao boa, jiat kopi" ($2.50, drink coffee).

My first reaction..... I look at her and think to myself , "are you kidding me? since when did beggars turn change their work place to be on a bus?"

My reply to her is to turn and look outside the window, ignoring her. After she asked for 5 times, she went back to her seat.

And I start to think about what happened. My first guess was that she is not mentally sound and wanted to test my theory when other people came up to the second deck. Funny enough, she did not approach anyone else (do I look like those who will easily give away money?)

My curiosity was aroused. I wanted to take another look at her. So when the bus reached interchange, I took a look backwards as I was going down the stairs. I was freaked out. There was the lady, sitting 4 or 5 rows behind me. She was staring at me with anger, accusation, disbelieve, confused look (anger being the bigger part of it). I don't know how so many emotions can fit in the eyes but she did it.

I concluded that there is only two possibilities:

1. She have some mental conditions. the look in her eyes have some similarity to the look of a person who is plain crazy. Trust me, I know.

Lets divert a while to a story in secondary school...

One fine day after school (my classes in morning), I waited at the bus stop for public bus to come. Suddenly, someone grabbed my tie (part of school uniform) and pulled me towards him. He was around 40's, Malay/Indonesian.

He pulled me very close to his face and stared at my eyes. I could hear his breathing which is like panting after heavy exercise. He uses a lot of strength on his hold of my tie and I had difficulty breathing.

I could tell that he was very agitated and there is no way I could have matched his strength. (I was still a small skinny kid. And it is proven that crazy people have tremendous strength) All I could do was just stared back at him with terrified look on my face. Time seems to stop still and I was cursing at all the other students around me for not helping me or even noticing the situation I was in. I wanted to look away but his face was too close to my face, blocking my vision of other things.

After an eternity (actual time is no more than 3 minutes), he released me and sit quietly, dejectedly. I quickly took off my tie and stood far from him, all the while keeping an eye on him, preparing to run away if he comes at me again. ( no idea how I was going to do it when my whole body was shaking from the shock)

Fortunately, he left it as it is. But those looks... those looks.....

2. Do ghosts roam around in the day time? If they do, she might be one of them.

(oh damn, I am writing this in the night. And I am alone in the whole damn apartment... oh shit>

jokes

English lecture

In English, a double negative forms a positive, such as the phrase "not unfamiliar". But in some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative," said the professor.

A voice from the back of the classroom said, "Yeah, right"

Morning occurances. Death

It seems that I have the worst of luck in the morning to actually stumbled upon death......

I woke up relatively early in the morning (6.30am) to prepare for school.

As I was doing my morning exercise, I heard police siren which I dismissed as not important.
We had fighter jets zooming above few times a week, what is a police siren compared to that?
So I continue my preparation for school.

As I was walking towards the elavator, I spoted a police van stopping downstairs and 4 or 5 police officers got down. Now, what would require so many police officers? I was curious.

At the ground floor, I notice that there is a police cordone at a neighbouring block and I walked towards it. I can see that some residents are standing around and explaining to other people what happened which I did not bother to listen to because I could guess what happened....

There is a tent set up by the police to cover something. I saw the tent before in news. Police used it to cover dead body. Taking a quick glance around, I saw people pointing upwards. So my second guess is that someone fell down.

Then, there are only few options left in order of highest probability:
1. Suicide - possible in view of high stress environment
2. maid fell down - there were few cases of it already. Maid fell while cleaning windows
3. Murder or effect of heated argument.

I turned and walked towards bus stop. Another life lost just like that. sigh...

Recent check on news website revealed that the body is of a 8 year old girl.. So young... consequence of playfulness? sigh...

Sardine can? or not.

There are two buses that heads towards university on the same route. One is sort of express, from interchange to university without stopping. I have to take the other one.

So on a fine cooling and morning, I walked towards the bus stop while gentle breeze gently massage my face. I wanted to study in university for the whole day. I admit it is quite hard for me to make that decision :P. But I am in a good mood because the weather is good.

And I waited at the bus stop.

In a modern country that pride itself with its public transport, how long does it take to get on board a loop bus service? 10? 20? 30? I would say more than 35 minutes.

People waited in dismay as we saw not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 direct express bus passed by without one normal bus.

After what seems like an eternity (especially for those who are going for 8.30am class), bus arrive at 8.45am. As usual, I took a peek at the upper deck and found it to be empty. So I boarded the bus with dozen others. I was curious to see that other people are contented to stand at the lower deck, blocking other people from getting to the upper deck and thus depriving passengers from boarding the bus, even when there are plenty of seats at the upper deck.

Is my brain faulty or is it theirs? Given a choice of seating down comfortably with air-cond blowing down directly, they chose to stand and squeeze and sweat?

Weird. Lol

《清宫风云》片尾 歌词——“阴错阳差”

　　未离别先有了牵挂，
　　真牵挂却已是咫尺天涯。
　　想说爱却开口成骂，
　　真想骂却早已冰雪融化。

　　近看是疤，远看是花。
　　种瓜得豆，种豆得瓜。
　　是什么它这样阴错阳差？
　　啊……嗳……
　　不小心就走进了瓜田李下。
　　越小心越走不出迷魂八卦。
　　啊……嗳……

　　近看是疤，远看是花。
　　种瓜得豆，种豆得瓜。
　　是什么它这样阴错阳差？
　　啊……嗳……
　　不小心就走进了瓜田李下。
　　越小心越走不出迷魂八卦。
　　啊……嗳……
　　这天下真叫做江山如画。
　　这人间真叫人心乱如麻。
　　啊……嗳……

关系

有时候，我会问自己。人与人之间到底要又怎么样的关系。亲如父母兄弟，住在一起却会有意见不一致的时候，从而导致双方都不愉快。

两个哥哥子中学起，在同一个班级读书。来到了异国，他们也一起住了快三年了。然而，他们却时常为了一些完全可以避免的事情而闹得不愉快。

我想妈提起，她说：
“人呀，在一起难免会吵架。以前，我和你爸也我和你爸也是经常这样。年轻啊！要面子，谁都不愿意让步。现在不同了。现在老了。吵架的时候， 会想到 “何必呢？都已经相处了这么久。老来有伴就好了” ”

可见，人的智慧是随着年龄而增长的。好面子，好生，是年轻人的缺点啊！

Seminar happenings

For the first time since the start of semester, I am early for the class. Previously, I had to rush there from another class and will always be late (well, truth is I seldom go for this class)

I am seated at the front row, eyeing other students who started to trickle in. Alas, there is no super pretty gals or handsome guys to nourish my eyes. Lo and behold, the lecturer came in.

He turn towards students and flashed his smile (his opinion: charming smile. My opinion: retarded smile). Then he goes on to turn on the computer and search for power point slides. Much to his dismay, he realised that he forgot to upload the slides, which means that students do not have it too. He rushed out of the class to try to ratify the problem.



Half an hour later, he came back and announced that he will give us break to go and print the power point slides. Unfortunately, students are not impressed as there should be a break whether or not there is a printing session. This simply means that there will not be a break because of that.

oh well, it happens.

Just when I thought that class is going to start (to cover previous materials which he left out because of 'time constrain'), he started to announce one by one the marks of assignment and quiz of each student in the seminar room.

Some excerpt:
" XYZ, ah, first class material, quiz high marks, assignment good quality..."
"ABC, ah, quiz not so good but assignment good. I respect you. You are better than me. I can see your pain in doing the assignment. Well, everyone can do it but it is painful. You are better than me, you are better than professors........"
"DEF, tsk tsk, both also not good, where are you? oh absent.. this is bad,........."

I shall not go on. For simplicity, just times each statement by 12 times. oh, these takes up 45 minutes

In between, he cracked some 'jokes' and made some statements....

" when apply for job, females should say that she want to be single! (raising his hands and laughing) No company want to employ you if you say that you want to balance work and family unless you work for government"

" you know, company that makes weapon are very powerful. They control the country. they make the most money when there is war. fight fight fight. This fight that, that fight this...."

" ok we will try to cover these materials. But my colleague do not want to cover this topic. Well, I am expert in this topic but they say that it is not important. It is important.............."
" ah then this topic we will also try to cover. I am also an expert in this topic. I am expert in the world.... ....."

With just one hour left ( out of 3 hours seminar), he let us off to print slides, saying that it is 10 minutes break.

So, printing......

back in class within 8 minutes and waits... Prof strolled in at the 20th minutes holding cup of coffee. Open his slides, turn volume to the maximum and started to play with his slides. Why the volume? because he wanted to put students in the star wars era with all the high pitch laser sounds he added into each and every single slides (previously was explosion sounds). So he click click click... While I hold my head, trying to withstand the onslaught of star wars......

< looking at summary page>.. "Ok we have to cover this but we do not have time (thanks to who?) so we will cover until.... . Ah this topic, I am expert on this....

<10 minutes later>, class starts with just 45 minutes left.

Suddenly, he came upon one slides with errors. It appears as a plain and simple error to me because the next slide counters the argument, so does text book (should be the word before instead of after) Without realising it, he rattles on (reading slides). After a while, he notice something funny with the slides. start to crack his head. Being the expert that he is, he started to develop his own theory to match the slide (contradicting himself a few times while doing so)

After some of futile attempts at explaining it(students busy copying down the rubbish that he is saying). I asked him if it should be 'before' based on the next slides. He looks at next slide and have a blank look on his face. Turn towards his 'first class materials' students and ask them " how do I reconcile this?" After some attempts at trying to make his previous speech make sense, he realise that he couldn't and skipping the whole thing altogether........

At the end,...

" people should be humble ( I totally agree)... then continues talking how he is expert in this and that...."
" I want you all to write a lot. I am expert in marking essays. For one point, write it out in different ways (where does the efficiency goes to?)"

Finally, time ends and he continue to talk about not enough time.. bla bla bla....


With all this, is it a wonder why I hate going to the class? LOL

physical impaired...

I keep telling myself that I am fine, that I can live as normal people do.
But truth is always harsh. It has proven me wrong again.

I am so sick and tired of telling everyone again and again about my condition. Not that I wanted others to pity me. Just that I do not want them to misunderstand me when I responded in a weird way during conversation.

I hate to sit on the right side. I hate to be in a noisy place. I hate to see the look that says :" gosh why am I talking to you? you don't even reply to my sentence. This is a waste of my time". I hate it. I hate it. HATE IT!!

I have been trying all I can to try to live with it. Turning all the way to the left when someone on my left is speaking. Guessing what they are talking about by looking at their lips. Avoid situation where I have to sit on the right side. Avoid going to noisy places. But sometimes, it is just not enough.

Hence, there is a higher chance that I am misunderstood as not paying attention, snoobish, slow, blur.... To reduce the chance of it occuring, I am quiet during gathering so that people will not talk to me. Yeah, I am a quiet person with nothing much to talk about. So don't bother talking to me. At least this is quiet is better than cause misunderstanding.

Oh, there is one more thing I hate. Driving car and chatting at the same time, since driver seat is at the right side. If I am chatting, I'll have to turn to the left, my eyes will be busy trying to guess words by looking at lips movement. No, I was not involved in accident before, fortunately.

If words of a specialist is true, I will have to live with this all my life. All my life.. Will the situation becomes better?? Maybe it will. That is if I wear a huge signboard saying that "I am partially deaf, Do not be offended". Well, maybe a small paper stuck on my forehead will be more subtle. Or should I just plug earphones into my ear all the times?

周围的人们在欢笑，
说着笑话唱着歌，
谈天说地多自在。
可是我，无奈的我；
只能一个人，
默默的扮演我的角色；
哑巴的角色，
聋子的角色。
期待能融入快乐的人们；
却只能永远，
做哑剧的观众。

Death?

I had a dream..... Usually dreams are forgotten when a person wakes up. But not this dream. It is etched deep in my mind....

It all started in the house of my mother's father in a village. My family was there for a visit I suppose. And I was cleaning ladder with a brush in the toilet(why cleaning? why ladder? hm..)
Then as I was cleaning the ladder, the scene switched to me cleaning a head in the toilet. Yes, just a head. The funny thing is I do not feel afraid then, like it was a normal thing. The head belonged to my mum's father who passed away. The interesting thing is that the head was chattering away. This continues for some time until the head turned (how to turn without neck? no idea) towards me and said:" you can see me? you are dead??!!".

That was when my fear and uneasiness sets in. I dare not turn to look behind me because I was afraid of what I might see (my body lying on the floor). I was terrified. Suddenly, I saw my eldest brother at the entrance to the toilet. I knew then that he cannot see me or hear me but I wanted him to help me. So I banged against the toilet door. I saw him looked inside the toilet but the toilet was dark. He moved closer as my fear deepens............

And POOF!!!! I woke up.... What a dream.. This is the second time I dreamt of such things happening in that house which has been empty for a long time since my grandma moved and stay in my home. The previous time was the feeling of evil presence in the place..

Have I been watching too much "Ghost Whisperer"? LOL

We had free hugs. Now is free slap.

secured feelings?

I have heard and read about how people feel unsafe with the presence of foreign workers. I did not quite believe it, until today.

I was queueing up for bus behind a cute girl. As people began to board the bus, I notice that there was a foreign worker who stared blatantly at the girl in front of me. If I were in her position, I would feel uncomfortable too.

However, I do sympathise with the worker's position. Working long hours, away from wife and children. It could get lonely I suppose. But to stare at opposite gender in such a blatant way... is just not right.

My respect for females that was given this treatment and yet managed it well.