physical impaired...

I keep telling myself that I am fine, that I can live as normal people do.
But truth is always harsh. It has proven me wrong again.

I am so sick and tired of telling everyone again and again about my condition. Not that I wanted others to pity me. Just that I do not want them to misunderstand me when I responded in a weird way during conversation.

I hate to sit on the right side. I hate to be in a noisy place. I hate to see the look that says :" gosh why am I talking to you? you don't even reply to my sentence. This is a waste of my time". I hate it. I hate it. HATE IT!!

I have been trying all I can to try to live with it. Turning all the way to the left when someone on my left is speaking. Guessing what they are talking about by looking at their lips. Avoid situation where I have to sit on the right side. Avoid going to noisy places. But sometimes, it is just not enough.

Hence, there is a higher chance that I am misunderstood as not paying attention, snoobish, slow, blur.... To reduce the chance of it occuring, I am quiet during gathering so that people will not talk to me. Yeah, I am a quiet person with nothing much to talk about. So don't bother talking to me. At least this is quiet is better than cause misunderstanding.

Oh, there is one more thing I hate. Driving car and chatting at the same time, since driver seat is at the right side. If I am chatting, I'll have to turn to the left, my eyes will be busy trying to guess words by looking at lips movement. No, I was not involved in accident before, fortunately.

If words of a specialist is true, I will have to live with this all my life. All my life.. Will the situation becomes better?? Maybe it will. That is if I wear a huge signboard saying that "I am partially deaf, Do not be offended". Well, maybe a small paper stuck on my forehead will be more subtle. Or should I just plug earphones into my ear all the times?

周围的人们在欢笑，
说着笑话唱着歌，
谈天说地多自在。
可是我，无奈的我；
只能一个人，
默默的扮演我的角色；
哑巴的角色，
聋子的角色。
期待能融入快乐的人们；
却只能永远，
做哑剧的观众。

Death?

I had a dream..... Usually dreams are forgotten when a person wakes up. But not this dream. It is etched deep in my mind....

It all started in the house of my mother's father in a village. My family was there for a visit I suppose. And I was cleaning ladder with a brush in the toilet(why cleaning? why ladder? hm..)
Then as I was cleaning the ladder, the scene switched to me cleaning a head in the toilet. Yes, just a head. The funny thing is I do not feel afraid then, like it was a normal thing. The head belonged to my mum's father who passed away. The interesting thing is that the head was chattering away. This continues for some time until the head turned (how to turn without neck? no idea) towards me and said:" you can see me? you are dead??!!".

That was when my fear and uneasiness sets in. I dare not turn to look behind me because I was afraid of what I might see (my body lying on the floor). I was terrified. Suddenly, I saw my eldest brother at the entrance to the toilet. I knew then that he cannot see me or hear me but I wanted him to help me. So I banged against the toilet door. I saw him looked inside the toilet but the toilet was dark. He moved closer as my fear deepens............

And POOF!!!! I woke up.... What a dream.. This is the second time I dreamt of such things happening in that house which has been empty for a long time since my grandma moved and stay in my home. The previous time was the feeling of evil presence in the place..

Have I been watching too much "Ghost Whisperer"? LOL

We had free hugs. Now is free slap.

secured feelings?

I have heard and read about how people feel unsafe with the presence of foreign workers. I did not quite believe it, until today.

I was queueing up for bus behind a cute girl. As people began to board the bus, I notice that there was a foreign worker who stared blatantly at the girl in front of me. If I were in her position, I would feel uncomfortable too.

However, I do sympathise with the worker's position. Working long hours, away from wife and children. It could get lonely I suppose. But to stare at opposite gender in such a blatant way... is just not right.

My respect for females that was given this treatment and yet managed it well.

Living in stories..

'Sheng! get ready! We are going off to Library.'
Such calls are not uncommon to hear when I was small. It was a routine every two weeks for each library. Me and my brothers will be packed into the car and travelled 40 minutes to libraries. There were 2 libraries that we frequented. One near town and another in industrial area.

I was fortunate to have parents who are well aware of the importance of reading. Hence we were members of 2 libraries. Each membership allows loan of 3 books for 2 weeks. So in total there will be 21 books from both libraries. I never really enjoyed reading when I was small. But I enjoyed the praise that I received from my mum when I passed the test. The test is to give a summary of what the book I read was about verbally. Normally, this is done when my mum was doing laundry.

When I grow up, I started to like reading and hating it at the same time.

I like it because it is a real pleasure to be able to read an interesting story that has an original theme. I frequently lost track of time when I had a good story to read. I could continue reading from the moment I am awake until I force myself to sleep late at night.
For me, reading is an important way to to relieve stress or any other negative feelings that I have.

However, all this reading is causing me lots of problem. Firstly, it is getting harder and harder to find good stories that is interesting and have a sense of humour and has original theme at the same time. Another thing is my addiction to reading which caused me to waste valuable time which I should be using to do tutorials and studies.

But I cannot help it. The story world is too interesting. Every emotion can be found in stories.. happiness, cheekiness, .... I so wish to have endless supplies of good stories to read.

stories... my life....

Invisible Prison

I realised that I was in prison and may still be in it for some time.
A prison that confined my and block my interaction with people around me.
A prison that was set up unintentionally by myself.
which was influenced by the environment that I am in.
where I lived alone in the whole unit.
I got so used of being alone that I forgot what it is like to be in a group. sigh..

Maybe it is because of survival instinct.
Many things I do are viewed upon as weird.
Eg: Looi Sing!!! you know how to sew? Are you sure you are a guy?
(the thing is, since sec school, both parents busy working. If I do not learn to do it myself I would have not enough uniform to wear.. )
Eg: Why you so quiet?
(since pri 6, I have been lonely. brothers all in different sessions. parents all working. During that time I was afraid of thunderstorm. Especially when lightning caused a blackout.. I hugged my legs and sit in a corner for hours until the sky lights up or parents come back. I had to get use to loneliness, quietness hopelessness, etc etc to survive.)

Ah well, but all those are over. I shall open up more!!!