what could have been

A lot of people always think of 'what could have been'

I could have been a millionaire if I had taken that path...
I could have gotten better result if I had study better...
I could have been enjoying myself if I did not do that...

etc etc...

However, there is almost one thing in common. People always think that they are in a worse position than they could have been. The fact is, we are never satisfied with what we have. Why can't we think like....

I could have been worse off but I am better now
I could just be like those people who are broke...
etc...

Then we will feel better. Although it is not that nice to think of others as worse off than us. But I suppose if we don't do it blatantly, it would really help us feel happy, wouldn't it?

I remember watching a show quite a long time ago. They interviewed quite a number of elderly people in singapore who lived alone. I felt quite sad when they said that they do not have any other relatives. It is even worse when they said that their children never come and visit them. The disappointment is clearly reflected in their eyes.

Hence I was thinking of the current situation in singapore. Many parents nowadays left their children in the care of childcare, maid, their parents etc etc.. I was thinking that maybe they are focusing too much on the present need and neglecting the long term factor.

When a person grow old, I would think that he/she would very much to be in the company of family who love them. The best way to foster this love is when their children are small. I believe humans know who are good to them and treat them accordingly. I cannot bear to think of how the situation will be like 40 or 50 years down the road... When people do not feel so strongly attached to their parents.. sigh...

I felt my eyes!!!

I do not know whether I should be laugh or cry..

It happen like this.
I woke up 4 days ago and looked into the mirror. hm.. there seems to be an insect bite at my nose. The position is just nice, in the sense that it is where my specs will rest on. It is not so bad. So I just ignored it and carry on doing what I should do.

second day. Oh my god. it is swollen (a bit) hurts a little when wear specs. I applied some oilment and took the advice of my mum (place hot towel on it). Then I went out to get contact lenses because such bites don heal so fast.

The next day.. 'who the hell glued my right eyes together!!!!' Alas, it appears that the swelling has spread to my right eye. So I got up at 6 am and planned to visit the doctor in the morning. After checking the opening hours of the clinic, I realised that they only open at 8.30 am.

at 8.30, I went to consult doctor. 'DA BLOODY CLINIC!!!!, waited like 2 1/2 hours!!!!' What is more, the doctor was not very willing to give information. Had to pry them out of him. Geez!!! He never even notice the swell has spreaded to my right eye.

So I guess I am stuck with 30 days of contact lenses. (min purchase is 30 days). Need a lot to get used to. Everytime I want to study, I will instinctively look for my specs then realised that I can see well. Of course there is the hassle of spending around 30 minutes to put them on in the first place ( I am still very noob at it). Furthermore, I normally bath many times per day. oh damn, cannot wear contacts when bathing.. sigh.. sigh.. I guess the landlord will be wondering at the lower water bill this month.. LOL....

dream girl?

I met my dream girl.. in my dream (duh).
I still remember the content of the dream. though I cannot remember clearly that face of the girl.. sigh... I remembered that she is slim, long hair, and not too tall. I swear that I nvr thought of anything related to the girl that appeared in my dreams. By the way, I never met the girl before.

In the dream, me and the girl loved each other very much. so much so that we cannot live without each other. SAdly, her parents voiced their strong objection. I still remember the pain that I felt in my heart. Then, I woke up.. sigh.. such a short dream. What happen after that? I have no idea.

If want to create story, I would say that me and the girl commited suicide and then promised to be together in the next life (got the idea from a story book I read in HSS library :P). hehe.. I think too much.

ah.... sleepy again.. been sleeping too much nowadays.. hoping to meet the dream girl .wahhaha

great timing

Sigh.. just when many things are happening, I am ill. All because of the stupid weather. for the past few days, it was so hot, dry and there is no wind. Then today, it rained heavily.. Thus, I am down with fever and sore throat.

Just when I was planning to go back for qing ming. And new development is that my grand uncle is hovering on the edge of death, so they might go back earlier than this saturday. To complicate matter, there is a stochastic quiz next friday.

I had to leave class early ( 4 hours seminar) and skipped communication class after that because I felt so cold I was shivering, even with jacket on. Hence I walked to canteen and bought 2 packet of rice then headed home. I knew that there is no way I am going to walk out again in the evening to get dinner. My leg muscles are trying to make me feel numb of pain. SO I reached my rented place and start searching for panadol. Alas, there seems to be no trace of their existance. After dumping things around for a while, I found a row of tablet with just 2 left. God knows when I got them. Much to my joy, it appears to contain paracetamol. I just downed them, hopefully, they will work wonders for me.

Oh.. now my back start to ache.. sigh.. stupid illness

old.. sob.. old...

I was happily cradling my packed food and bread, walking towards my block. Just before I went into the lift, I saw 2 kids riding bicycle, apparently wanting to get on the lift.
As a basic courtesy, I waited for them to get in. The younger one looked and me and said 'xie xie' (thank you).
I was thinking.. wow, such a good mannered kid.

When we reached 5th floor ( we stayed at same floor), the elder kid got out first. Then the younger one insisted I go out before him. My good impression of them increases. Then when I was walking off, one of them yelled 'xie xie' again. However, what happened next left me laughing. After that, he addressed me as 'uncle'!!!!

Man, I nearly stumbled and fell. Do I seriously loook that old? or is it that it is accurate to address people my age as uncle? hm... haih... cheers to the 'uncle'... lol

Fragility and helplessness of life

Recently, I cannot help but to think that human are so helpless in the face of nature (or god ). No matter what we do, we will all die. It is quite sad that the inevitable thing is, we are all living a day less as we live each day. I cannot believe that my father is about to retire soon, I do not wish to believe. But there is no denying it. My parents are ageing, even more so for my grandma. It is disheartening.

When I talk to my grandma, she was so happy and tell me about her life last time, her other children and many other things. Then after some time, it struck me that she does not remember what she told me 40 minutes ago. She is repeating herself over... and over again. Her memory is failing her. Tears welled up in my eyes then and now too as I type this.

How can we live when we know that we will grow old, helpless, body ache everywhere, failing memory and health. When we will have to be dependent on other people once again when we are independent for so many years. Sometimes when I walk pass an old perso, I wonder what is on his/her mind. Where they are can only walk slowly and watch young people zeep pass them. When I sat waiting for bus, I see them having to rest at each and every bus stop that they come across before continuing their slow walk back.

The only thing that they can be happy about is if they have children and grandchildren that are successful and filial. Successful does not necesarry means earn a lot of money, success varies from person to person. I would think success is when a person can earn a living without resorting to unlawful means. Success is when their children are able to live independent and comfortable in the future.

To all the people who are reading this, think of what you want when you are old. If you are staying with your parents, be more considerate to them. Don't think that they are bothersome when they nag at you. They do it because they care for you. For those who are not staying with your parents, make a trip back and visit them more often.

I can feel and see that my parents are extremely happy when I go back and stay even for a few days. Similarly, I can see the disappointment clearly written on their face when I have to tell them that I ahve to go be back to Singapore. My heart wrenches when I know that my father took leave off to accompany me only to know that I have to go back to Singapore on the very first day of his leave. I'm sorry.... I'm very sorry.. I don't know how I can ever repay what my parents did for me, other then to live meaningfully. But deep in my heart, I know that it is just not enough. Nothing is ever enough.

I still can remember when I was around 7 years old. I was very sick, high fever, no appetite, no strength to walk. It was past mid-night, my area was not very developed, 24 hours clinic was not available. My father tried to make me feel better by carrying me, walking around and talking softly to me until I fell asleep. Even when I was an adult, the care from my parents never cease.
I was in uni hostel, I had high fever... so much so that I felt light headed and fall down when I was standing. I do not want parents to worry so I did not tell them, but they called and found out I was very sick. On that very same night, they drove over and fetch me back so they can take care of me. My mum even took leave to take care of me.

Me and my brothers are in singapore working and studying. My parents are afraid that we do not get good food to eat. Hence, every Sunday, my mum will wake up at 5.30am to cook fish, my father will make carrot juice. Then they will drive over with other fruits, biscuits, and other basic necessities. I feel bad when I see my parents and they have the tire look in their eyes. I feel even worse when their tiredness are quickly washed away when they see me and my brothers. I swear I will take every opportunity to go back and visit them whenever I can.

I can never repay what they did for me, ever......
Sigh.. things will be much more simple if humans are without emotion. But then, it will be a sad thing too. nothing can ever be perfect