dream girl?

I met my dream girl.. in my dream (duh).
I still remember the content of the dream. though I cannot remember clearly that face of the girl.. sigh... I remembered that she is slim, long hair, and not too tall. I swear that I nvr thought of anything related to the girl that appeared in my dreams. By the way, I never met the girl before.

In the dream, me and the girl loved each other very much. so much so that we cannot live without each other. SAdly, her parents voiced their strong objection. I still remember the pain that I felt in my heart. Then, I woke up.. sigh.. such a short dream. What happen after that? I have no idea.

If want to create story, I would say that me and the girl commited suicide and then promised to be together in the next life (got the idea from a story book I read in HSS library :P). hehe.. I think too much.

ah.... sleepy again.. been sleeping too much nowadays.. hoping to meet the dream girl .wahhaha

great timing

Sigh.. just when many things are happening, I am ill. All because of the stupid weather. for the past few days, it was so hot, dry and there is no wind. Then today, it rained heavily.. Thus, I am down with fever and sore throat.

Just when I was planning to go back for qing ming. And new development is that my grand uncle is hovering on the edge of death, so they might go back earlier than this saturday. To complicate matter, there is a stochastic quiz next friday.

I had to leave class early ( 4 hours seminar) and skipped communication class after that because I felt so cold I was shivering, even with jacket on. Hence I walked to canteen and bought 2 packet of rice then headed home. I knew that there is no way I am going to walk out again in the evening to get dinner. My leg muscles are trying to make me feel numb of pain. SO I reached my rented place and start searching for panadol. Alas, there seems to be no trace of their existance. After dumping things around for a while, I found a row of tablet with just 2 left. God knows when I got them. Much to my joy, it appears to contain paracetamol. I just downed them, hopefully, they will work wonders for me.

Oh.. now my back start to ache.. sigh.. stupid illness

old.. sob.. old...

I was happily cradling my packed food and bread, walking towards my block. Just before I went into the lift, I saw 2 kids riding bicycle, apparently wanting to get on the lift.
As a basic courtesy, I waited for them to get in. The younger one looked and me and said 'xie xie' (thank you).
I was thinking.. wow, such a good mannered kid.

When we reached 5th floor ( we stayed at same floor), the elder kid got out first. Then the younger one insisted I go out before him. My good impression of them increases. Then when I was walking off, one of them yelled 'xie xie' again. However, what happened next left me laughing. After that, he addressed me as 'uncle'!!!!

Man, I nearly stumbled and fell. Do I seriously loook that old? or is it that it is accurate to address people my age as uncle? hm... haih... cheers to the 'uncle'... lol

Fragility and helplessness of life

Recently, I cannot help but to think that human are so helpless in the face of nature (or god ). No matter what we do, we will all die. It is quite sad that the inevitable thing is, we are all living a day less as we live each day. I cannot believe that my father is about to retire soon, I do not wish to believe. But there is no denying it. My parents are ageing, even more so for my grandma. It is disheartening.

When I talk to my grandma, she was so happy and tell me about her life last time, her other children and many other things. Then after some time, it struck me that she does not remember what she told me 40 minutes ago. She is repeating herself over... and over again. Her memory is failing her. Tears welled up in my eyes then and now too as I type this.

How can we live when we know that we will grow old, helpless, body ache everywhere, failing memory and health. When we will have to be dependent on other people once again when we are independent for so many years. Sometimes when I walk pass an old perso, I wonder what is on his/her mind. Where they are can only walk slowly and watch young people zeep pass them. When I sat waiting for bus, I see them having to rest at each and every bus stop that they come across before continuing their slow walk back.

The only thing that they can be happy about is if they have children and grandchildren that are successful and filial. Successful does not necesarry means earn a lot of money, success varies from person to person. I would think success is when a person can earn a living without resorting to unlawful means. Success is when their children are able to live independent and comfortable in the future.

To all the people who are reading this, think of what you want when you are old. If you are staying with your parents, be more considerate to them. Don't think that they are bothersome when they nag at you. They do it because they care for you. For those who are not staying with your parents, make a trip back and visit them more often.

I can feel and see that my parents are extremely happy when I go back and stay even for a few days. Similarly, I can see the disappointment clearly written on their face when I have to tell them that I ahve to go be back to Singapore. My heart wrenches when I know that my father took leave off to accompany me only to know that I have to go back to Singapore on the very first day of his leave. I'm sorry.... I'm very sorry.. I don't know how I can ever repay what my parents did for me, other then to live meaningfully. But deep in my heart, I know that it is just not enough. Nothing is ever enough.

I still can remember when I was around 7 years old. I was very sick, high fever, no appetite, no strength to walk. It was past mid-night, my area was not very developed, 24 hours clinic was not available. My father tried to make me feel better by carrying me, walking around and talking softly to me until I fell asleep. Even when I was an adult, the care from my parents never cease.
I was in uni hostel, I had high fever... so much so that I felt light headed and fall down when I was standing. I do not want parents to worry so I did not tell them, but they called and found out I was very sick. On that very same night, they drove over and fetch me back so they can take care of me. My mum even took leave to take care of me.

Me and my brothers are in singapore working and studying. My parents are afraid that we do not get good food to eat. Hence, every Sunday, my mum will wake up at 5.30am to cook fish, my father will make carrot juice. Then they will drive over with other fruits, biscuits, and other basic necessities. I feel bad when I see my parents and they have the tire look in their eyes. I feel even worse when their tiredness are quickly washed away when they see me and my brothers. I swear I will take every opportunity to go back and visit them whenever I can.

I can never repay what they did for me, ever......
Sigh.. things will be much more simple if humans are without emotion. But then, it will be a sad thing too. nothing can ever be perfect

group bad luck

I always have bad luck with groups. And it seems that it is not about to stop now. Though previous times,.. the end result was good.

This time, my Final Year Project group went to do
research on potential topics,
emailed professors,
made phone calls to professors,
made appointment with professors ,
knocked on professors' door many times (most of the time professors not in),
Discussed topics with professors,
listen to professors' counter proposal,
Analysed each professor and their topic,
Decided on professor and topic
Went to talk to him again
confirmed with him that we are doing with him
happily go to register on website

Only to find an email from the professors after few days telling us that he promised another group beforehand...
And we rejected another good professor already... now left nowhere... WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

Professor mind set?

How will you define a hard question?
Is it a question that need a clear understanding of what was taught?
or is it the professors' idea of questions that involve things that were not taught at all?

THAT is the whole problem. Ever since last semester, it is a frustrating experience when attempting to do tutorials. There will be terms, methods, relationships etc that students were not taught.

Then the professor will come happily for seminar and give a lecture. After that, he will discuss the previous tutorial of previous lecture. When he was explaining a hard question that students cannot do, he will say some things that make students feel even worse .Eg: 'eh? why you cannot do? but I just mentioned in the lecture just now.' Got the point? a tutorial which was supposed to be based on previous week's lecture, have concepts that were only taught in this week.

The worst thing is that there will always be some mysterious creature (definitely not human) who will be able to obtain a solution to the questions.

URGH!!!!! damn it. I may have to execute my own study style and quit following what others are doing... sigh.....

Path of torture

Yes indeed. I walked the path that few take. (reminds me of English literature, Form 5, haha....)

Carrot juice at dinner +
5 banana after dinner +
jogging with ankle weights
= ?

A smelly business.
A disaster when you not near a toilet (or a bush, depends on where you are or rather, what time period you are from.. hehe)
Hell, when you are in a civilised country with many people around and toilet are nowhere in sight.

For those who know the place, it is from SRC NTU to Jurong West sports complex. That will be known to me as path of torture from now on..

It is another test of mental (and bowel) strength.
It is a battle between temptation and sanity
It is a ultimate test of civilisation
It is
.
.
.
(and the list goes on :P)

Well, I made it back thru self-hypnotize..

'I am nothing'
'since I am nothing, I cannot feel anything'

Ah well, enough of it already. Hope there will not be a third experience for me

Professional Attachment

It is the period where business and accountancy second year student have to register for professional attachment.
I was happily logging onto the system thinking of all the big and famous insurance firm that will be available for application.

Alas!!! to my disappointment, there is only one major insurance company-Great Eastern. The other companies are not really related to actuarial science. And we were asked to apply for Great Eastern before. The responses that some students received were of positions not related to actuarial science too. This leads me to think that many people do not really know what actuarial science is all about. That includes people from career services (because they got those companies for actuarial science).

Furthermore, I noticed discrimination against foreigners by companies or organisations. They put requirement as "Singaporeans only" or "Singaporeans and PRs only" (which don't make much difference since students rarely are able to get PRs). Well, I shall not name those companies or organisation. So there is 2 more group of positions that is not available to me.

On further checking, there is an European company that offers many positions for actuarial students. However, 1/3 of the positions needs people who are willing to work European hours. If I take the position, I will be working from 9pm to 1 or 3 am. It will be a suicide for people who sleep early, like me.

Sigh..... what to do? what to do.......

busy busy busy

Icannot believe it. Ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ｏｎｅ　ｏｆ　ｔｈｅ　ｌｅａｓｔ　ｓｕｂｊｅｃｔｓ　ａｎｄ　ｙｅｔ　I have one of the longest study hours.
Been doing tutorials all the time... Survival and stochastic together in one sem is really crazy...
Starting to get used to survival. But stochastics still make me have headache.. It is like a totally different language that I do not understand. haih..

more cons of HDB

It is quite eerie. There are so many funerals going on around my place. One just concluded last night. Then tonight there is another one just under me, 5 floor under me.
I think I must have seen around 6 funerals that was carried out.
The worst is, it is just the tip of the ice berg. This is because I can only observe funerals carried out in taoist style. So, there are actually much more deaths around here, deaths concerning Muslims or Christians or other religion that does not carry out their funeral at open spaces around my block.

.. Brrrr..... better stop now....

My head.. oh my head....

I am being plague by dizziness. It happened few days ago.
Well,initially it was quite fun. However as time progress, I found out that it shows no sign of going away. To make matter worse, it seems to be constant dizziness. Maybe I should consult the doctor someday soon.
now it is even harder for me to do survival and stochastic which needs full concentration. sigh. so troublesome.
Hm.. how does my dizziness feels. Well, it is not associated much with motion. It seems to be more like feeling of head expanding. How I wish that is really the case. Then I would be able to handle my course with ease.

Actuarial in NTU = suicide

Here I am at the start of a new semester. Well, students will normally have a easy start at the beginning of the semester.
However, not the case for actuarial course. Up till now (which is just the first week) I have 2 lectures that I have to switch to blur mode. Got some idea after reading many times thru Survival Modelling. As for Stochastic, it is like aids.. very deadly. Of course, you'll have the ppl in class who will still tops and do tutorial when lecture is on. Unfortunately, not me.

Seems like I always have a tendency to commit suicide. When I exercise (swimming, jogging) I tend to over-exert myself to the point of breaking. I may have gone too far in my suicide attempt this time by taking this course.
Will I be able to survive this semester? If I can, I wil survive anything. If not, it will spell disaster for me which is comparable to "The Day After Tomorrow".

year of bad luck

First there was the bloody Survival Modelling seminar. The 70 years old tutor managed to get almost 90% of the class to be blur/confused/blank. He contradicted himself on numerous occasion and pass off confusing parts (at least for me) with the words "you know"

Then had to do an assignment in 24hours. Just before I check the question, my computer had a performance of a total crash. Nothing can bo done to save it anymore.. poor thing.
And with no question and no computer to do the assignment, I turned to my brothers' place for divine intervention.

Well, tried to figure out what was wrong with my computer. In the process of testing, my computer burnt my brother's graphics card.
Test result:
Graphics card functional
Hard disc mildly fucntional
Power supply packs a punch to kill ppl ( OK)
for those who don't know computer, cd-rom, dvd-rom or floppy disc have nothing much to do with the main system. So did not bother checking those.

Turns out that the problem lies with mother board or CPU. Conclusion, most probably mother board is overdue.

And so, my graphics card went to my brother as compensation. What was left of my com was left there as decoration. And I took a laptop back to use. Well, it belongs to my brother's gf. Technically, still my brother's because he bought it.. hm.. ah well. Brother buying another one soon for me so I use this one temporary.

Found out that lap tops are generally much more slower and retarded compared to desk top.

I tell you, the year of 2007 is the year of bad luck. The devils are coming to wreak havoc!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!

Ranting of lonely person

I was told by many people, especially family members and relatives that I am a very independent person. A person who can take care of myself.
They said it as if it is a very good thing.
I should be happy, but why is there something in my heart tugging?

Since small, I think I am sort of left out. My brothers were closer in age, so they mingle better together. They play a lot of games together. On the other hand, I was the sickly one. That was one of the reason why parents doted on me more I guess, which makes it even worse. I was always in a fight with my brothers when I was small. I never knew where the passion for it came from. Well, I was mostly the one who suffer injuries. Hell, our fights even made mom so frustrated that she cried.

My two brothers went to primary school. There are 6 years in primary school. Well, as my brothers are closer in age, they spent more time together, going to school and coming back home. At that time there were 2 sessions, morning and afternoon. I seems to be on the wrong side of the session for the most of my primary school education.

I was a timid guy and very dependent in lower primary. Afraid of communicating with strangers. Low confidence in myself. I hated to go to primary school so much that I was having stress behaviour like stomatche pain when in school, even got a gastric attack once.

Got better after a while. I started to get used to life in primary school and got into quite a few fights with classmates. I remembered causing blue black on the face of one, and on the stomache of the other. All the people involved were taken to the office (obviously). Fortunately, we were let off easily because we were in the first class.

when I was primary 6, Mum started to work. Food was catered for lunch. At this time, I was in morning session, while my brothers were in the afternoon session and in the same class. So I basically spent the whole afternoon alone at home. Luckily there were afternoon tuition sessions in school for most of the time.
To be frank, I was a coward. However, it faded as I experience numerous thunderstorm where blackout occur. Haha.. there is no one to turn to for comfort. When such blackout occur, I would light a candle and cuddle my knees in one corner and waited.. and light another candle,.. and waited.. till thunderstorm was over or parents came back.

Maybe this is the reason why I had the dream where I was hit by lightning, which happen many times and becomes more vivid each time. I still remember it, hard not to when it haunts my rainy days. The location was front yard of my house.
The first time, it hit me when I was looking down, I see nothing much just feel numb all over.
Second time, I saw some light and then numb
.
.
.
The last and final time is me looking up into the sky as the lightning came down on me. I see the colour very clearly now, white with purple and some red, pretty.. Then I was laying down. Slowly losing conciousness...

This reminds me of another dream that I had. I was in a place where everything was crazy... Wanted to breath but cannot breath (wouldn't die though). People were all naked, in some sort of transparent tube being sent off to space. I can see people are crying, but the sound they made was of laughter. It is the feeling of doom but there is nothing anyone can do about it.
This is the dream that I always had when I take afternoon nap when I was small (small kid having afternoon nap is very normal). Thus, I try to keep awake even when I was very tire. I will not take a nap even when I was made to lay down on bed with mum patting me (this happen before primary school).
How I wish I can sleep then. However I know that I will keep having that dream. The worst part is that even when I woke up and sitting on sofa, I will still be in a daze, mentally replaying the dream over and over and over again. I was feeling so helpless, lonely, feeling that there is no one to turn to for help, that no one understands.

Secondary school.

I was so happy when I completed my primary school education. I wanted to go to the same school with my brothers and have fun.
Well, it seems that luck was not with me. It appears that the principle of my brothers' sec school rejected all application of chinese students. I have to go to another school which was about half an hour away by car while my brothers only need to take 5 minutes walk to school.

And so it began again. Me going to school while they come back. We don't meet during the day time because I had to leave earlier as my school is further. I tried to live with it. It got so bad that I loathe to go home. Especially after my brothers went to singapore to study and I was still in secondary school.
When I was form 5, I got my driving license. So I drove the old car to school alone. After school, I would frequently drive around in circles and drive slow, or stay at friend's place. I didn't want to go home because I know that there is no one at home, only the cold empty house.

JC

Stress in JC is impossible. I faced my biggest challenge. I started to like ice-cream. I could eat the whole tube myself, just digging the spoon into it again and again. I would take walk around the campus at night, wandering around just feeling the air blowing.
Finally, I broke down. on the night of concert, I did not go back to hostel together with other friends. I had to find a place to hid myself. I went to my brother's place to stay over. It was a saturday night.
On Sunday, parents came over to visit. I tried to talk so that I can get the stress out of me. I was scolded at when my father found such weakness in me. I sought comfort, and failed again.
I was basically like a zombie then, just trying to get back to my room in hall. I HAD to do something. something to take my mind off my problems. I did something crazy. That was when I SHAVED totally BALD!!
Friends and teachers asked me if I am alright. I just smiled. Could I seek comfort and understanding from them? I did not know. I lost confidence in that already.

So, I started to keep things to myself. All my problems have to be solved by myself. I became a habit. So much so that even when I got sick, got badly injured, I still am independent.
How can I forget the pain when I cleaned my wound on my eye brow, a result of imflammation from insect bite. there was basically a hole in the not so thick skin of my forehead.
How can I forget the night when I limped from SRC to the new hall 3. I didn't know how serious my injury was at that time. I was just thinking to myself that I must get myself beck to my room no matter what. After that? 2 weeks where I was unable to walk well. I even skipped 1 week class.

So I am independent. It is a good thing yes, but also lonely too.

I like to read story books, it kept my mind off reality.
I like to listen to radio, especially when dee jay is talking, it makes me less lonely.
I like to exercise, it helps to relieve stress.
I meditate to calm myself.
I still eat some ice-cream (though trying to decrease it, getting out of shape).

Sigh... for a better tomorrow.... tomorrow...

ideal life

I had a most wonderful moment today..

It was in the afternoon,
The sun was bright but not hot
The air was slightly cool
The sky was bright blue
The wind was blowing gently
And I was just lazing on the leather sofa
Staring out at the sky
With the wind gently caressing my face

Oh, how the memory lingers....

结束

就这样
一切都结束了
漫长的等待
漫长的期盼
换回来的
只是无奈的心

这样的抉择
是正确的吗
是最好的吗
又有谁知道

诚心的祝福
幸福的人
但愿好景长存

Singaporeans

Here are some of the things that they tell you about Singaporeans.

1. Singaporeans are very well mannered.
If so, why the hell they have courtesy campaign, why do I see Singapore car drive on road shoulder and try to cut lane in front of me (which of course he failed, thanks to my superb driving skill and the car full of people. Well, they are still afraid when in Malaysia)
And need I mention the frequent occurances of ill-mannered behavior at public transport? The throng of Kiasu ppl who don even want to let passengers get of mrt. What is saddening is that some parents are doing it with their children. Make a guess. What would be future generation like?
And the seemingly very tire ppl in mrt that seldom have the heart to give up their seat to ppl in need. It is even more maddening when it involves strong, healthy ppl, aka teenagers.

2. Singapore is a very clean country.
I have on many occasions, witnessed people from all walks of life (race, age, etc), being very creative by making a rubbish bin of everything, be it pavement, grass, sand, drainage, public transport.........
There is once I was behind 2 malay boy. My guess is they are in primary school. They were very happy, chatting away, laughing... All these seems fine, until one of them start to tear apart the set of newspaper he is holding, and slowly throw bits and pieces of them as he walk.
Just to be fair, race is not determining factor. I just saw a chinese opening up wrappers of sth that he bought, while walking towards bus stop. He did not even bother to throw them into dustbins which are situated at the bus stop.
Maybe they just hates the pavement, some old grudge when they were small, where they fall down on the pavement.. haha...


Well, there are many more out there who are not like that, fortunately. But It seems that more and more people are becoming more selfish. Many things in Singapore are also taken for granted.

The cleanliness that was the pride of Singapore, is the hardwork of legions of foreign workers, who cleaned the place, not to make it clean, but so that it don't look too dirty. Yes, the littering is that bad.. sigh...

The chance to learn Chinese is not given its deserved appreciation. I remembered that my secondary school in Johore actually discouraged Chinese to take Chinese language paper. We had to attend classes outside school hours and our Chinese language teacher keeps changing. We even have to source for our own teacher.

Ah well, I suddenly wanted to write all these after reading Heah's blog. haha.. He is so hardworking in updating his blog.

result out

sigh.. result is out. And I have to check it in the uncomfort of a cyber cafe near my house in Johore. Can't say that the result is fabulous but it had to be enough. Ah well, at least I am not in the category where I will be forced to change course. Yup. Survival yet again.

Stochastic, KILL ME SOON!!!!!!!!!

Stupid guy. but quite funny. haha..

Last paper, Last paper, Let it be over....

SIEN... SIEN... SIEN...
Some people already finish exam and celebrating. I still have one more paper tomorrow. haih...
To add salt to wound, some of my previous papers are less than satisfactory. Sigh.. Hope that the adjustment will help to pull up mr grades a bit.

Exam Exam come come.. come to papa...