Once again, my attempt to socialise has been dealt with a blow. One that would devastate me if it happened few years ago. Now I don feel much, just that the desire to socialise has been reduced again.
It will never work. I will never be able to socialise with people no matter how I try. Some of my most frequent reply are "har?", "huh?", "sorry?" or just a stupid looking smile. My most frequent action will be not talking and pretending to be listening. I thought that if friends know about my disability (I used to deny this, but wth), at least they will be more considerate. Well, it doesn't help that when I replied with a "har?", one of them said to me and in front of 7 other ppl "oh I'm sorry, I forgot you are deaf". I was stunned and at least another of my friend was also stunned by that "apology". It is like rubbing salt into the wound, like taking a cracked vase and smash it on the floor.
What else can I do? I say F it. Why the hell do I want to keep courting embarrassment and humiliation. I'm tired of it. Just let me be alone...
