I was told by many people, especially family members and relatives that I am a very independent person. A person who can take care of myself.
They said it as if it is a very good thing.
I should be happy, but why is there something in my heart tugging?
Since small, I think I am sort of left out. My brothers were closer in age, so they mingle better together. They play a lot of games together. On the other hand, I was the sickly one. That was one of the reason why parents doted on me more I guess, which makes it even worse. I was always in a fight with my brothers when I was small. I never knew where the passion for it came from. Well, I was mostly the one who suffer injuries. Hell, our fights even made mom so frustrated that she cried.
My two brothers went to primary school. There are 6 years in primary school. Well, as my brothers are closer in age, they spent more time together, going to school and coming back home. At that time there were 2 sessions, morning and afternoon. I seems to be on the wrong side of the session for the most of my primary school education.
I was a timid guy and very dependent in lower primary. Afraid of communicating with strangers. Low confidence in myself. I hated to go to primary school so much that I was having stress behaviour like stomatche pain when in school, even got a gastric attack once.
Got better after a while. I started to get used to life in primary school and got into quite a few fights with classmates. I remembered causing blue black on the face of one, and on the stomache of the other. All the people involved were taken to the office (obviously). Fortunately, we were let off easily because we were in the first class.
when I was primary 6, Mum started to work. Food was catered for lunch. At this time, I was in morning session, while my brothers were in the afternoon session and in the same class. So I basically spent the whole afternoon alone at home. Luckily there were afternoon tuition sessions in school for most of the time.
To be frank, I was a coward. However, it faded as I experience numerous thunderstorm where blackout occur. Haha.. there is no one to turn to for comfort. When such blackout occur, I would light a candle and cuddle my knees in one corner and waited.. and light another candle,.. and waited.. till thunderstorm was over or parents came back.
Maybe this is the reason why I had the dream where I was hit by lightning, which happen many times and becomes more vivid each time. I still remember it, hard not to when it haunts my rainy days. The location was front yard of my house.
The first time, it hit me when I was looking down, I see nothing much just feel numb all over.
Second time, I saw some light and then numb
.
.
.
The last and final time is me looking up into the sky as the lightning came down on me. I see the colour very clearly now, white with purple and some red, pretty.. Then I was laying down. Slowly losing conciousness...
This reminds me of another dream that I had. I was in a place where everything was crazy... Wanted to breath but cannot breath (wouldn't die though). People were all naked, in some sort of transparent tube being sent off to space. I can see people are crying, but the sound they made was of laughter. It is the feeling of doom but there is nothing anyone can do about it.
This is the dream that I always had when I take afternoon nap when I was small (small kid having afternoon nap is very normal). Thus, I try to keep awake even when I was very tire. I will not take a nap even when I was made to lay down on bed with mum patting me (this happen before primary school).
How I wish I can sleep then. However I know that I will keep having that dream. The worst part is that even when I woke up and sitting on sofa, I will still be in a daze, mentally replaying the dream over and over and over again. I was feeling so helpless, lonely, feeling that there is no one to turn to for help, that no one understands.
Secondary school.
I was so happy when I completed my primary school education. I wanted to go to the same school with my brothers and have fun.
Well, it seems that luck was not with me. It appears that the principle of my brothers' sec school rejected all application of chinese students. I have to go to another school which was about half an hour away by car while my brothers only need to take 5 minutes walk to school.
And so it began again. Me going to school while they come back. We don't meet during the day time because I had to leave earlier as my school is further. I tried to live with it. It got so bad that I loathe to go home. Especially after my brothers went to singapore to study and I was still in secondary school.
When I was form 5, I got my driving license. So I drove the old car to school alone. After school, I would frequently drive around in circles and drive slow, or stay at friend's place. I didn't want to go home because I know that there is no one at home, only the cold empty house.
JC
Stress in JC is impossible. I faced my biggest challenge. I started to like ice-cream. I could eat the whole tube myself, just digging the spoon into it again and again. I would take walk around the campus at night, wandering around just feeling the air blowing.
Finally, I broke down. on the night of concert, I did not go back to hostel together with other friends. I had to find a place to hid myself. I went to my brother's place to stay over. It was a saturday night.
On Sunday, parents came over to visit. I tried to talk so that I can get the stress out of me. I was scolded at when my father found such weakness in me. I sought comfort, and failed again.
I was basically like a zombie then, just trying to get back to my room in hall. I HAD to do something. something to take my mind off my problems. I did something crazy. That was when I SHAVED totally BALD!!
Friends and teachers asked me if I am alright. I just smiled. Could I seek comfort and understanding from them? I did not know. I lost confidence in that already.
So, I started to keep things to myself. All my problems have to be solved by myself. I became a habit. So much so that even when I got sick, got badly injured, I still am independent.
How can I forget the pain when I cleaned my wound on my eye brow, a result of imflammation from insect bite. there was basically a hole in the not so thick skin of my forehead.
How can I forget the night when I limped from SRC to the new hall 3. I didn't know how serious my injury was at that time. I was just thinking to myself that I must get myself beck to my room no matter what. After that? 2 weeks where I was unable to walk well. I even skipped 1 week class.
So I am independent. It is a good thing yes, but also lonely too.
I like to read story books, it kept my mind off reality.
I like to listen to radio, especially when dee jay is talking, it makes me less lonely.
I like to exercise, it helps to relieve stress.
I meditate to calm myself.
I still eat some ice-cream (though trying to decrease it, getting out of shape).
Sigh... for a better tomorrow.... tomorrow...
